photo by Jean Philippe Lebée
Tonight feels like rockbottom. I know that’s not true because there will be more rockbottoms to come for it gets worse day after day. I’m trying to find a way, any way, to help me get through this but nothing looks promising. Food tasted like nothing, the lights all seem so desaturated. I can’t tell anyone about this, it’s too much of a load to share. It is so selfish to even think about it.
I’ve been stuck on that day ever since it happened. I still don’t dare to go back and look at what I wrote, what I received, anything to remind me of my darkest hour. Maybe because they are flashing across my mind as I write this. The things I said and asked for which I cannot take back. And yet, if I didn’t speak my mind, I wouldn’t have known what to do with them. Hope ate me alive and now I feel like I’m barely a fraction of myself.
Each day feels like a loop on repeat. Reliving moment after moment of having everything and everyone around me tell me that I can’t have what I want. It’s beyond my control. But tonight feels like everything is weighing down on me. My heart and my mind feels heavy, literally. I can’t get up to do anything. It feels like time stopped around me as everyone else is moving on without me.
I’m not looking for someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. Or someone to give me tough love. I’m not looking for any of that. I want to go crawl into a hole and die. I wish I could stop feeling this pain. And yet, when I think about it, I know that is not going to happen. It isn’t that I am not capable of being happy. It is the alignment of everything that has guaranteed my journey to be perilous and full of sorrow. And sadness will triumph through each day till the morning comes when it has fallen asleep with me.
What kind of a life is this? It’s not a fight when I don’t even feel like fighting. Reality is just dragging me through every waking minute and all I wish for it is to stop and let me die somewhere. I can’t do anything about this but smile all day to people. Put on some exhausting performance, say I’m good and watch you see right through me. All I wanted was to be closer to you. Look what I got myself into.
It takes something like this to really bring everything to light. Everyday is a torturous reminder that I have built fantasies on fantasies and everything I am is solid like a cloud.
Someone kill me please.
Everyday I fight through the hours, clinging onto the only thing I can cling onto. My responsibility to people’s lives may be great or small, but either way I’ll be world’s most selfish person if I stopped being. Everyone thinks it’s not that tough, because I’ve been through it before, because I look like I’m hardened.
Why does it feel like I’m all alone this time? With each passing day, it occurs to me that there is so much indecency in the world, so much I’m going to be crushed. Don’t people learn with age? Why are people still so childish and selfish at a time when they shouldn’t be? Or better yet, why is it so difficult for people to stop caring for people who doesn’t care about me at all? Unconditional love is festering my insides and I don’t know how to stop.
I don’t hope anymore. I don’t want to ever again.