See You on a Dark Night

It's gonna be you and me

Resolve

It takes something like this to really bring everything to light. Everyday is a torturous reminder that I have built fantasies on fantasies and everything I am is solid like a cloud.

Someone kill me please.

I don’t want to soldier on anymore

Everyday I fight through the hours, clinging onto the only thing I can cling onto. My responsibility to people’s lives may be great or small, but either way I’ll be world’s most selfish person if I stopped being. Everyone thinks it’s not that tough, because I’ve been through it before, because I look like I’m hardened.

Why does it feel like I’m all alone this time? With each passing day, it occurs to me that there is so much indecency in the world, so much I’m going to be crushed. Don’t people learn with age? Why are people still so childish and selfish at a time when they shouldn’t be? Or better yet, why is it so difficult for people to stop caring for people who doesn’t care about me at all? Unconditional love is festering my insides and I don’t know how to stop.

I don’t hope anymore. I don’t want to ever again.

XXX

Shake hands, we shall never be friends, all’s over;
I only vex you the more I try.
All’s wrong that ever I’ve done or said,
And nought to help it in this dull head:
Shake hands, here’s luck, good-bye.

But if you come to a road where danger
Or guilt or anguish or shame’s to share,
Be good to the lad that loves you true
And the soul that was born to die for you,
And whistle and I’ll be there.

- A. E. Housman

I’ve been having a hard time breathing. Not figuratively; I can feel my body collapsing in a way. Like it doesn’t want to move or do anything. I’m currently sick as well. What does one do from here on out? I’m not someone who waits around and waits for the next good timing. Waiting feels like I’ll bleed out any time soon.

It’s my own fault that all this happened. I look back and I wish I could stop myself from saying and doing the things I should not have. But in that moment of desperation I wouldn’t have known how else to behave. In that moment I’m completely lost in what I want which I can’t have and I stopped thinking about everyone else’s feelings. I look back and I would have done the same thing, sadly.

Juggling this inability to come to terms with what I have destroyed, what you said to me, what made me do all this in the first place, I can’t come up with the words to describe how it makes me want to not feel anything ever again. Like I wish I stopped existing so I don’t have to feel at all. The worst part about all this is that it’s not killing me, but it makes me wish it did.

I keep playing it over and over in my mind and I can’t escape myself. Maybe it’s me punishing myself or wallowing in self pity and moping about in the mess I’ve created. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to talk about all these things happening in my head because my heart physically hurts from it. From all the things I have been through, it actually stings now. The reason for that is simple. This time, I actually lost something dear to me, and this reckless abandon had me fall face flat on the ground. How does one get up when the other person wish he stayed broken on the floor?

I never learn

Just need to write somewhere where someone can see but doesn’t necessarily need to care. It is funny how my life for the past few years have been punctuated with the uncompromising reality of impossible love. No matter how hard I try or how much heart and soul I pour into a person for him to give me just a little bit, it never really happens.

I’m done with this aching pain for the past year, though it is my own burden to bear. I can’t seem to talk myself out of it, and I know why, clearly. Like everything else in life, I can achieve anything I set my mind to. Obviously, I don’t really want to move on, I don’t want to forget you and I certainly don’t want to stop trying.

It is not easy to hear you wanting to be with someone else. And telling everyone I’m fine and dandy and acting like I am has become so exhausting I feel scared to meet people. I’m not 18 anymore, I’m an adult now and I have convinced people I can take care of myself super well. I can’t go to people and request for them to pick me up when I obviously don’t want to be. I hate being a killjoy.

The worst part of all of this? At the end of this, I’m going to be okay, whether I like it or not. I’ll be fine and pieced up together like nothing happened. And you and I have to forget that I was your phantom lover, and maybe, deep deep down, I still am.

trust:

trust:

trust:

trust:

trust:

trust:

trust:

im gonna do that thing where u message someone randomly asking for ur sandals back ill keep u guys updated

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oh my god

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people are so nICE ABOUT THIS

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things have taken a dramatic turn

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dammit my cover is blown

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PEOPLE ARE WAY TO NICE ABOUT MY NON EXISTENT SANDALS

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IM HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE

(via lol-this-bitch)