See You on a Dark Night

It's gonna be you and me

Dearest Cecilia, the story can resume. The one I had been planning on that evening walk. I can become again the man who once crossed the surrey park at dusk, in my best suit, swaggering on the promise of life. The man who, with the clarity of passion, made love to you in the library. The story can resume. I will return. Find you, love you, marry you and live without shame.

(Source: sothoros, via barrel--rider)

I have galaxies hidden between my bones and I will love you until the stars burn out.

—Unknown (via aconitem)

(Source: quotedbook, via yelled)

The thing about sadness is that it never warns you that it will come back. You’ll end up with an aching heart again, minutes after laughing, and it will feel like you found someone in your house; someone who you thought had left.

—W.J   (via eternell)

(Source: cascadingletters, via miss-fernandez)

I just want to hold you, I don’t want to hold you down

Tonight feels like rockbottom. I know that’s not true because there will be more rockbottoms to come for it gets worse day after day. I’m trying to find a way, any way, to help me get through this but nothing looks promising. Food tasted like nothing, the lights all seem so desaturated. I can’t tell anyone about this, it’s too much of a load to share. It is so selfish to even think about it.

I’ve been stuck on that day ever since it happened. I still don’t dare to go back and look at what I wrote, what I received, anything to remind me of my darkest hour. Maybe because they are flashing across my mind as I write this. The things I said and asked for which I cannot take back. And yet, if I didn’t speak my mind, I wouldn’t have known what to do with them. Hope ate me alive and now I feel like I’m barely a fraction of myself.

Each day feels like a loop on repeat. Reliving moment after moment of having everything and everyone around me tell me that I can’t have what I want. It’s beyond my control. But tonight feels like everything is weighing down on me. My heart and my mind feels heavy, literally. I can’t get up to do anything. It feels like time stopped around me as everyone else is moving on without me.

I’m not looking for someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. Or someone to give me tough love. I’m not looking for any of that. I want to go crawl into a hole and die. I wish I could stop feeling this pain. And yet, when I think about it, I know that is not going to happen. It isn’t that I am not capable of being happy. It is the alignment of everything that has guaranteed my journey to be perilous and full of sorrow. And sadness will triumph through each day till the morning comes when it has fallen asleep with me.

What kind of a life is this? It’s not a fight when I don’t even feel like fighting. Reality is just dragging me through every waking minute and all I wish for it is to stop and let me die somewhere. I can’t do anything about this but smile all day to people. Put on some exhausting performance, say I’m good and watch you see right through me. All I wanted was to be closer to you. Look what I got myself into.